Engaged...

It's a weird thing to say "I'm engaged". I'm excited about it but at the same time it takes some getting used to. I'm getting used to the language. I'm always saying "...my Girlfr... my fiancee...". Also now that the engagement thing is done, we now have to actually 'plan' the wedding. Something I found I terribly underestimated. I figured it would take maybe a week or two before we started thinking about plans. It took 16 hours! :-) Admittedly she's thought about this way way waaaaay more than I ever have. I like most men thought about what it would be like to get into bed with the woman I love many many many times. In fact I have an entire excel sheet with action items and due dates written out on sexual positions. This week on the phone with Courtney I kept finding myself saying things like "Oh yeah, we need a church" and "Oh yeah we need to set a date" and of course "Oh yeah we'll need to invite people".

In reality nothing is different from before, but everything just feels that much better. It's kinda weird. The first time I took ecstasy I felt like I was on top of the world. I came to a realization that night that I could feel that good if I wanted. I had felt great in that way before but I never really noticed it quite that way. I knew from that moment that I could feel that good if I really wanted to. That it was and always had been under my control. For the worse I had taken an illicit drug, but for the better, I knew that my days using it were numbered. I had found the truth. The truth wasn't the drug, but it was the truth that the drug helped me to see. The truth is I'm okay. I'm alright. I can be happy.

I'm getting to my engagement. :-) I'm long winded I know. I took Courtney to the Hard Rock Cafe where we met so many years ago. We had a nice dinner and I took her to about the very spot where I had first laid eyes on her. "...This is where the story of you and I began. And this is where I want our forever to begin..."

Okay so how are things different now? Nothing is really different. I'm still in Houston, and my fiancee and everyone else I love is a million miles away. But the difference this time is that I discovered another truth. I know that I'm alright, but now I also know that I am more than myself. I know that her happiness makes me happy. Strangely (I think she's crazy!) my happiness makes her happy too.

I guess I really can't put words to what I'm trying to say, but I know that since Saturday the sun shines a little brighter, the Texas heat is just a little cooler, and I wake up and go work just a little bit harder. This isn't just about me anymore and I'm saying "Thank God".